Woman Expected to Babysit Five Nieces and Nephews Every Day for Free After Moving in to In-Law's Home, Refusing May Lead to Divorce: 'I didn't sign up for this'

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Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Oct 24, 2024 5:00 PM EDT

Welcome, goddesses of the internet. Around the world, there are different cultural practices and expectations when it comes to taking care of the elderly. In the west, it is not uncommon for older people to live independently with family and friends visiting them regularly to check up on them. If they struggle to live alone, they might be put in a retirement home where they do not have to worry about cooking or maintaining their environment. In other countries, older relatives simply move in with their children and are expected to help with the grandkids and household tasks. 

Similarly, in our story today, a woman marries into a family whose cultural tradition dictates that the eldest son must move into his parents home after marriage to take care of them. Our protagonist is well aware of this custom and is comfortable with the idea of living with her in-laws. However, she did not sign up to be constantly babysitting the several nieces and nephews under five that have slowly begun to dominate the home. To read how this woman sets her boundaries, scroll down below!

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  • 01
    320 r/Amlthe u/thatismyfish • 19h AITA for telling my husband that we need to move out from his elderly parents' house because I need my own space away from his family?
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  • 02
    In our culture, a son (in this case my husband) tends to live with his parents and look after them in their old age, and his wife and kids live in the same house.
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  • 03
    When my relationship got serious and we were discussing marriage, my husband said that the most important thing for him is that he would like to live with his parents in their house, with his future wife and kids. He asked me to visit the house and meet the parents. I went to their house often before and after we got engaged, and I got along very well with his parents. I liked the house as well. I had no issue with the living arrangement. My husband pays for all the expenses for the house as his
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  • 04
    It's been 3 years since our marriage and I'm finding my living situation is a mess. My husband and I have no kids yet.
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  • 05
    My husband's parents are completely disorganised and all they ever want is to have their grandkids home. The house is always messy. We have a total of 5 nieces and nephews below the age of 5(!!) who are home 4-5 days a week. 2 of them visit on weekends as they live in the neighbouring city. I basically get no space to do anything for myself in the house. There's no moment of peace and quiet and cleanliness in the home unless I lock myself up in my room and stop anyone from coming inside. I work
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  • 06
    The kids ransack the house. Most of my weekends go in looking after the kids or trying to clean up their mess. All my weekdays are about cleaning them, feeding them, putting them to bed and hoping to get work some done after they are in bed. All this while their parents are busy living their social life and working on their careers.
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  • 07
    I tried to talk to his parents about how being around so many kids is not enjoyable for everyone at home, but they were very clear on the fact that their grandkids will keep coming home and it's their house and I have no say in the matter.
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  • 08
    I explained to my husband that I need my own space and a house that isn't ransacked with kids, especially since I don't have any and I'd like to enjoy this phase of our marriage. But he said that his one condition before marriage was that he wouldn't move out of his parent's house and he wants to stick to that. I'm at my wits end, I hate the house I'm living in and my husband won't move out with me. It may come down to us wanting two different things.
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  • 09
    AITA for jeopardising my marriage because I don't want my life and my house revolving around our nieces and nephews? Edit 1: The kids are under 5 and they were non- existent or too young to be with grandparents all day when I decided to marry and live with them. My house became a crèche in the 3 years after I got married. I had no idea it would be like this before I got married. 1,638 800 1
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  • 10
    EndielXenon • 18h NTA. I see several other responses saying that you are because you knew this was the expectation. Here's what they don't seem to be getting: You knew that living with his parents and taking care of them was the plan. But it sure doesn't sound like you knew that you were expected to be a live-in maid and babysitter for a half dozen nieces and nephews.
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  • 11
    In my opinion, that's what you should focus on: "You want to have your grandkids over all the time? That's great. YOU need to watch them. YOU need to feed them. YOU need to clean up after them." They were not part of the communicated expectation. ← Reply 3.6k
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  • 12
    yknjs- • 17h Ah le Aficionado [15] Exactly this. There is a WORLD of difference between moving in and caring for the parents in old age and moving in, having to work full time and still being expected to be a 24/7 nanny and housekeeper because your husbands sibling, encouraged by his parents, seem to have decided that you're a wife and a servant for the rest of them rolled into one.
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  • 13
    The in-laws, including her husband who refuses to set boundaries, clearly have 0 respect for OP. OP should work from that basis when deciding what to do next, because that's very unlikely to change unless her husband decides to have her back. 1.3k
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  • 14
    Mandiezie1 · 17h • Op has to stop helping them. Even on work from home days, Op needs to be in a coffee shop or a co op/coworking space. She said she'd help take care of the parents. But them vetoing her is almost enough to get a 1 bedroom or studio nearby just so she can have some peace. NTA. Cleaning up after kids is already a lot, but kids that aren't even yours is WILD ... 699
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  • 15
    SaveBandit987654321 • 17h Yes I love my in laws and could live with them easily. Would I be able to live with them in 6 kids were routinely running through their house destroying it? No. 150
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  • 16
    NTA. mfruitfly ⚫ 18h ° Ahle Aficionado [16] You agreed to live in a home with his parents, not to be the babysitter of the family. It's one thing if the kids are just over there all the time, it is another that YOU are the one who is expected to cook for them, clean up after them, and do stuff like bedtime routines.
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  • 17
    But now you have a problem, because your husband has made it clear that he isn't willing to move out. My guess is you aren't ready to just divorce him and move out on your own, and by the way if you are ready, then go for it. You signed up to live with and care for two aging parents, not a home full of children everyday, and not children that you are expected to look after.
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  • 18
    Everyone has made it clear it isn't your home and you get no say in what goes on, and your husband has made it clear he isn't willing to move. So focus on yourself and what you can control. First, stop caring for the children. You need to learn to say "no", period. When you work from home, lock yourself in and don't come out when asked, and consider if there are options for you to go to the office more often. When you are done with work, have dinner out, sit in the park, meet up with friends, ta
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  • 19
    Tell your husband's parents that if they need help, the can ask husband for it. My guess is your husband didn't really realize how living in the home would be, because HE never had to do any of what you are doing, and still doesn't. Making it clear you aren't going to do stuff for an entire family while also being told this isn't your home and you have no say, is the next step in figuring out if you can salvage your marriage. I'm not sure you can, but I appreciate you don't want to just go right
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  • 20
    rak1882 18h Colo-rectal Surgeon [45] I'd also talk to husband about renovations to the house- he can discuss it with his parents since it sounds like it's their home. but about creating a separate apartment (or at least a separate suite) for him and you with at minimally a kitchenette, a bathroom, and a locked door. though it could just as easily be a solution for his parents if the house is large enough. i just assume they won't be interested given that it was their home. 265
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  • 21
    ΝΤΑ Individual Physics29. 17h Ahle Aficionado [14] I'm Pakistani, so we have the same culture. The situation you're in is toxic, but I have to warn you that your husband isn't going to get you out of it. At most you can stop cleaning up after everyone else and let the mess pile up. That being said, they will be horrible to you as a result. You will be the bad person no matter what you do so just be the bad person to do whatever you please. Maybe subtly shaming the kids parents for raising monste
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  • 22
    DesertSong-LaLa - 18h Craptain [168] NTA based on OP's response to this INFO post. INFO: OP, Your current housing sounds very challenging. Prior to marriage were you aware of the drop off kid pattern and living in a ransacked house? Did a calm clean home turn bonkers over the years? I read his description as the four of you would live in a home that allowed each adult to navigate with ample space with defined roles (e.g. who pays what, indoor cleaning, yard maintenance). Reply 216
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  • 23
    thatismyfish OP⚫ 18h I wasn't aware of the grandkids situation because it wasn't that way before marriage. All kids are under the age of 5 and we've been married 3 years. So they have basically reached the age where they don't need to be with their parents all day after I moved into the house. The parents have realised they can now leave them at the grandparents house and go about doing their work or living their social life. The grandparents are happy doing it. And I'm in this situation because
    via u/thatismyfish
  • 24
    Rohini_rambles • 18h Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] why are YOU the one who has to feed and clean up these kids? you're working too. why arent the in laws cleaning up after the brood? why are you the babysitter? you need to establish that you're not watching ids you didnt invite over. it's not your job to feed them and put them to bed. that is what you need to address. ← Reply 207
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  • 25
    NTA Cursd818 18h Ahle Aficionado [14] Taking care of his parents is very different to being the defacto nanny for his siblings. An unpaid nanny, as well. Tell your husband that is what you didn't sign up for. You can either look into buying a different house where you're all still under the same roof, but there's separate living spaces so you can close off the grandkids in his parents' area, or you're breaking up. Those are your only options really. Reply 43
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